(no subject)

[gadgeteerdevil]

from here

[Eddie paces. He's too upset now, too keyed up to trust himself. He's stuck, mired in the rage and pain that he was going to distract from with physical pain, and now it's layered under more rage at the apparently magical Dick Grayson's interference.]

[He wants his Jason, but the Hub has decided to keep him today. He knows he can't seek out the Jay he's friends with here -- that Jason has too much shit piled on him right now already.]

[So he paces. And he tries not to think about throwing himself out the nearest window.]

[Fuck.]

Comments

[legacy_arrow]

[There's a cautious knock on your door.]

[gadgeteerdevil]

Fuck off, Grayson!

[legacy_arrow]

It's Connor Hawke.

[gadgeteerdevil]

[Eddie runs a hand through his hair and stalks over to the front door, yanking it open and standing aside.]

Sure, why the fuck not. I've already had spectators to my breakdown, why not you too? Come on in!

[legacy_arrow]

[... that... was definitely not why Connor was here. He pauses for a second.] Are you okay?

[gadgeteerdevil]

No, I'm really fucking not.

What do you want, Connor?

[legacy_arrow]

I wanted to ask you something, but it's obviously not a good time.

... look. I know it's not my place, but... if you wanted to talk...

[gadgeteerdevil]

You're right. It's not a good time, and it's not your place.

But, apparently I need "real help" [Eddie does air-quotes with his fingers,] from somebody, so whatever. How about you ask me whatever you were gonna ask me and we'll see how it goes. If I really can't handle it, I'll even tell you what the fuck is wrong with me.

[legacy_arrow]

[He's silent for a moment.] You were with Jason a few nights ago, weren't you?

[gadgeteerdevil]

Yeah, he was having a bad time of it. He's okay now, isn't he?

[legacy_arrow]

As he ever is, I guess. But he's been acting... differently.

[gadgeteerdevil]

Ah, you got me. That's not Jason, I summoned a minor demon to take his place. [Sarcasm!]

Differently how?

[legacy_arrow]

[He pauses for a moment, trying to think how to say it, before he finally comes up with-] Manic. Jittery. More so than usual. I think he's avoiding me, and he won't tell me why.

[gadgeteerdevil]

....Aw fuck. That idiot.

[Eddie sighs and rakes a hand through his hair.] My Jay switched from amphetamines to modafinil a while back, and it works better for him. I told Jason about it because he was having a pretty bad episode, and since he was clean of anything, I let him have one of Jay's pills. I told him that he could only have one a day. I fucking told him.

[legacy_arrow]

... oh.

[Connor swipes a hand over his face.]

Oh.

[gadgeteerdevil]

He's probably taking too many. Fuck.

I'm so fucking sorry. I thought... Jay handles it fine...

[legacy_arrow]

I don't know what I'm going to do.

[gadgeteerdevil]

I'd take all his drugs away. Make him go through you for them, but I don't know if you could pull that off. He's sneaky as fuck.

[legacy_arrow]

He can't be keeping them in the apartment. He's... obviously been hiding this for a while.

[gadgeteerdevil]

I'm so fucking sorry. This is all my fault.

[legacy_arrow]

I guess it would probably have taken me a lot longer to find out if not for... [He waves a hand, trailing off.]

[gadgeteerdevil]

If not for what?

[legacy_arrow]

You.

[gadgeteerdevil]

[He flinches, hearing censure in that short answer (even if there's none really there).]

Fuck, I know. Fucking ruin everything.

[legacy_arrow]

[You're doing a very good job of making it hard for Connor to be angry at you, Eddie.]

... why? Why did you give him them?

[gadgeteerdevil]

Because he was just so damn miserable and I hate seeing him like that. I thought it would help, not make things worse.

[legacy_arrow]

[Connor sighs.] I guess... I don't have to tell you how that worked out.

What's the withdrawal like?

[gadgeteerdevil]

[Eddie ticks off the symptoms he's aware of, in a much more clinical voice than before. It's easy to retreat to facts.]

Increased tiredness, drowsiness, irritability, possibility of mood swings. Side effects are usually milder than withdrawal from other stimulants, but some people have reported tremors, confusion, or disturbing thoughts.

[legacy_arrow]

I guess- that's not so bad. If I can convince him to-

God. [Connor breaks off suddenly, a hand going to his eyes as it hits him.]

[gadgeteerdevil]

What? What?

[Eddie needs information! Details! Spill!!]

[legacy_arrow]

It's not like - I didn't know. That he wasn't... really very stable. A long time before we even got together.

He's a mess. He's a mess, and I want to help him, and he won't - he won't let me. And now I find out he's been doing drugs for who even knows how long, and the worst part is that I think some part of me always suspected, because how else could he stay awake that long?

[gadgeteerdevil]

...

[Eddie looks away.] He told me... I don't know if it counts as something told in confidence. He didn't say not to tell you, but I know... he'd never say this to your face.

And I... I only want to tell you this to help, but we see where my idea of "help" gets us...

[legacy_arrow]

[Connor's silent for a moment.] It's your decision. I won't ask you to.

[gadgeteerdevil]

['Tell him, say it, it's too important to keep to yourself...' Eddie chews his lower lip. 'But Jason trusted you to keep his secrets...']

[He's quiet for a long moment, before finally bursting out with,]

He's afraid.

[Eddie takes a breath.] He's afraid that if you find out... he's afraid you're going to leave him. Because he thinks he's not good enough for you.

[legacy_arrow]

He thinks that? I wouldn't - of course I wouldn't. I thought he knew that.

... I guess I thought a lot of things.

[gadgeteerdevil]

...I think it's you guys that need to talk.

[legacy_arrow]

[He sighs.] Probably. I guess I'm just... worried. That I'll make things worse if I push things.

But I don't really think I have a choice at this point.

[gadgeteerdevil]

He's over-medicating himself and hiding the fact that he's even doing drugs from you. He could break with reality if he keeps trying to avoid sleep. How could it get worse, really?

[legacy_arrow]

[Connor's pretty sure he can imagine a few scenarios, but he just shakes his head.] You're right. You're right.

... thanks.

[gadgeteerdevil]

Yeah, sure. Thanks for fucking things up and betraying a trust. Par for the course.

We done?

[legacy_arrow]

... I guess we are.

[He pauses.] ... Jason considers you a friend. He doesn't have a lot. But you mean a lot to him. You probably mean even more to your Jason.

[He turns to leave.] Take care of him. But take care of yourself first.

[gadgeteerdevil]

[It's nice to be reminded that he is Jason's friend, this Jason in the Hub, but it also hurts because he knows he's the one who hurt his friend... Eddie hates his double-edged feelings sometimes. A lot of the time.]

[quietly, not expecting to get a response,] I'm trying. It's not easy.

[legacy_arrow]

Then I hope you have someone who can help.

Goodbye, Eddie.

[gadgeteerdevil]

[Eddie nods. He has to say it this way, when he's like this, has to make farewells into a promise...]

See you around, Connor.