gadgeteerdevil | (no subject)

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[Eddie paces. He's too upset now, too keyed up to trust himself. He's stuck, mired in the rage and pain that he was going to distract from with physical pain, and now it's layered under more rage at the apparently magical Dick Grayson's interference.]

[He wants his Jason, but the Hub has decided to keep him today. He knows he can't seek out the Jay he's friends with here -- that Jason has too much shit piled on him right now already.]

[So he paces. And he tries not to think about throwing himself out the nearest window.]

[Fuck.]

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I guess it would probably have taken me a lot longer to find out if not for... [He waves a hand, trailing off.]

If not for what?

You.

[He flinches, hearing censure in that short answer (even if there's none really there).]

Fuck, I know. Fucking ruin everything.

[You're doing a very good job of making it hard for Connor to be angry at you, Eddie.]

... why? Why did you give him them?

Because he was just so damn miserable and I hate seeing him like that. I thought it would help, not make things worse.

[Connor sighs.] I guess... I don't have to tell you how that worked out.

What's the withdrawal like?

[Eddie ticks off the symptoms he's aware of, in a much more clinical voice than before. It's easy to retreat to facts.]

Increased tiredness, drowsiness, irritability, possibility of mood swings. Side effects are usually milder than withdrawal from other stimulants, but some people have reported tremors, confusion, or disturbing thoughts.

I guess- that's not so bad. If I can convince him to-

God. [Connor breaks off suddenly, a hand going to his eyes as it hits him.]

What? What?

[Eddie needs information! Details! Spill!!]

It's not like - I didn't know. That he wasn't... really very stable. A long time before we even got together.

He's a mess. He's a mess, and I want to help him, and he won't - he won't let me. And now I find out he's been doing drugs for who even knows how long, and the worst part is that I think some part of me always suspected, because how else could he stay awake that long?

...

[Eddie looks away.] He told me... I don't know if it counts as something told in confidence. He didn't say not to tell you, but I know... he'd never say this to your face.

And I... I only want to tell you this to help, but we see where my idea of "help" gets us...

[Connor's silent for a moment.] It's your decision. I won't ask you to.

['Tell him, say it, it's too important to keep to yourself...' Eddie chews his lower lip. 'But Jason trusted you to keep his secrets...']

[He's quiet for a long moment, before finally bursting out with,]

He's afraid.

[Eddie takes a breath.] He's afraid that if you find out... he's afraid you're going to leave him. Because he thinks he's not good enough for you.

He thinks that? I wouldn't - of course I wouldn't. I thought he knew that.

... I guess I thought a lot of things.

...I think it's you guys that need to talk.

[He sighs.] Probably. I guess I'm just... worried. That I'll make things worse if I push things.

But I don't really think I have a choice at this point.

He's over-medicating himself and hiding the fact that he's even doing drugs from you. He could break with reality if he keeps trying to avoid sleep. How could it get worse, really?

[Connor's pretty sure he can imagine a few scenarios, but he just shakes his head.] You're right. You're right.

... thanks.

Yeah, sure. Thanks for fucking things up and betraying a trust. Par for the course.

We done?

... I guess we are.

[He pauses.] ... Jason considers you a friend. He doesn't have a lot. But you mean a lot to him. You probably mean even more to your Jason.

[He turns to leave.] Take care of him. But take care of yourself first.

[It's nice to be reminded that he is Jason's friend, this Jason in the Hub, but it also hurts because he knows he's the one who hurt his friend... Eddie hates his double-edged feelings sometimes. A lot of the time.]

[quietly, not expecting to get a response,] I'm trying. It's not easy.

Then I hope you have someone who can help.

Goodbye, Eddie.

[Eddie nods. He has to say it this way, when he's like this, has to make farewells into a promise...]

See you around, Connor.

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